Thursday, January 27, 2011

I don't know.

"What is your next step?"

I don't know.

"Are you going back to school?"

I don't know.

"What are your goals?"

I don't know.

"So what, you've just given up on baking?"

No. But baking doesn't pay my bills.

"I thought going to pastry school was the whole reason you moved to Chicago"

No. The whole reason I moved to Chicago was to get away from certain people and have new experiences. The decision didn't revolve around baking but if you have sixteen grand lying around throw it my way and I'll be happy to start pastry school. Otherwise, shut up.

I feel like my life consists of getting asked these questions over and over again. Like they are on a CD stuck on repeat. The person that asks me usually asks like they are offended when I answer "I don't know". Like they are victims of my "wasted potential"or something when in reality, maybe they should think of how completely embarrassing that is to admit. I don't know.

I am the type of person who gets a idea for a career or business and totally throws myself into the idea.. Until the next one comes. This has caused everyone to not take me seriously when I try to tell them the next big plan. A couple people I have told about my newest plan have actually said "oh it is just a phase, you'll be over this in no time". Thanks for the support. Honestly though, can I blame them for having that outlook? How many ideas have I started and then abandoned? The cycle usually goes like this:

Idea-Excitement-Complete devotion to idea-Telling family and friends-Total discouragement- Idea thrown in the trash.

I guess what they don't know is I can read through statements like this: "Yeah.. Uh, thats good but what about starting a bakery? I thought you were going to do that?". I know that means "Yeah I don't like this idea, can we go back to the bakery?"

I am standing still. Not moving. Grasping at air.

When I was an employee I was working towards becoming a Manager. Once I was a Manager I worked towards becoming a Senior Manager. Now that I am a Senior Manager, I have nothing else to work towards because being a General Manager of a movie theater is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. People keep telling me that I should work towards that anyway. Why? What is the point of working towards something that I don't want to do? What a waste of time and effort. Every day I go to work, count money, come home, sleep ridiculous hours, and repeat. There is no learning, there is no progressing. Which would be fine, I wouldn't have to constantly be learning something if I was doing what I want to be doing.

"Just wait"

Two words that I am so tired of hearing. Why tell me to wait to start something that I want to do? What am I waiting for? For the site to build itself? For the inventory to stock itself? For the business license to come in the mail without me applying for it? What? When is it going to be the perfect time? There is never a perfect time for things like getting married, having a baby, or starting a business. Those are things that you can never be prepared enough for. You can never have "enough" money saved. You just have to jump.

"You just want to do something else so bad you'll do anything. You just grab any idea that comes to you and run with it like this one will work when it won't."

You're a jerk.

Today, my best answer is simply, I don't know. Today, that is all I have.

Because honestly, I don't know where I will be in ten years. I don't know where I will be in five, or two, or even one.

All I know is what I am doing today. Going to work, counting money, going home, sleeping ridiculous hours, and praying that I won't be repeating forever.


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